Body Builders Are Actually Chemists

·         Whey Protein? 3-Aminopropionic acid?? Biosynthesis of glutathione!? Muscle metabolization for anti-catabloic effects?!?! Excuse me while I take off my lab coat and safety goggles and join you at the squat deck so I can explain.  Gym-people love workout supplements. They love talking about supplements and ingredients and flavors and mixing techniques and whether or not they get gas from it.  I have never felt more like a chemist, than when I am in the middle of a supplement conversation.  

His favorite flavor is RAWWWW-BERRY

Workout supplements vary from pre-workout energy boosters to after workout muscle repair and there are hundreds upon hundreds of supplements for almost any fitness desire.  And the big boys at my gym have capitalized on the industry. Actually, the owner of my gym has his OWN LINE of supplements.  However, there is one thing about all these boosters that they have in common.  They all taste like chalk. Sure....you can buy "chocolate" or "watermelon" but you can never get it to taste right - which - is the biggest complaint of any gym-person.  This is the most common thing I see:

Yum Yum Yum this gon  be soooo good.  It's got my boostie-boosts that are gonna make me sooooooo big. Samantha from Accounting...eat your heart out. 

  

This is what IMMEDIATELY happens next

Sorry Samantha from Accounting, excuse me while my I go in to cardiac arrest.

All the while, I just sit back and think of how all of these guys go through hell to buy, make, and drink these powder potions to get an extra kick in their workout.  And while I think all of this, I trip over my own feet on the treadmill and try to make it look like I'm incorporating tricep dips in to my treadmill walk-a-thon (because that's what "gym-people" do...I think). And the next time I hear my fellow gym goers talk about the effects of glycogen depletion or carbohydrate timing, I just think of this:

 

You Can't Out Selfie "Gym-People"

It doesn't take much effort to be a regular person.  You go to your "Office Space" type job, you hang out with your semi-overweight dog that doesn't like you back, you bond with the girls from high school that you think still might hate you, and maybe - just maybe - you go to the gym.  Sure, you go on vacation every once in a while and if you're lucky, you might just win a prize at a fundraiser to spice things up.  But, there is one thing that is for certain about your life...you will never, ever, EVER be more excited about ANYTHING than when gym-people take selfies after working out.

Oh.My.God. Becky. Look at her abs.  They are so tight. She must be one of those trainers girlfriends.  Who understands those trainers anyway.  They only talk to her because she looks likes a total gym rat.

You all know those people...

I can only imagine what he is tweeting:  #xtreme #workout #fitness #getatmebro #vascular #lookatmyveins #cutiewithabootie #doyouevenliftbro #elevatormusic #selfie #hasanyoneseenmyhat

That's what happens at my gym.  And. It. Is. Glorious! I actually will go just to see that, because it is like a puppy seeing its reflection for the first time...and then they can save it....and look at it all over again. Truly a magnificent use of technology. It has my full approval.  The thing about all these selfies is that I will probably not be as happy about my first born child as gym-people are about taking pictures of themselves at the gym.  The world could literally be ending at the hands of killer robots and Chad from the free weight section will ask one of them to take his picture before executing the perfect power lunge.

If only Chad used his magnificent thighs to help save the world....he did get this awesome pic though #sorryEarth #dontskiplegday

And to all the gym-people out there (you know who you are) please make it entertaining for the rest of us:

Disclaimer: You can never be as entertaining as Terry Crews. PA PA PA PA PA PA PA POWER!!!

I Need A Spotter

I don't go to a normal gym. And you might be thinking, but wait, what is a normal gym? You see, a normal gym is with people that look like this....

She's totally a normal gym goer doing normal gym people things - Rowing machine, squats after, maybe a quick run on the treadmill, and then off to flirt with the hot juice bar guy (or gal - she's spontaneous like that)

He's thinking normal people thoughts: "Oh man that chick on the elliptical is soo hot. I think I'm going to watch Dexter later. I hope that was just a fart...yeah I'm clear. Shower time!"

However, my gym is full of people that look like this...

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!!! TESTOSTERONE!

These muscles are no joke...and neither is her hair.  Home girl is cut.

DEADLIFTS!!! STRENGTH!!! PROTEIN!!!

Which leads me to start this journey of chronicling my decision to join a body builders gym. Now, please don't think that I am making fun of or trying to insult those who are more fortunate than me in the muscle department.  If I looked like Mrs. Cut From Marble up there, I would be blogging about how to crack walnuts with my ass cheeks, but I don't...so this is what you get. 

Recently, I had to have surgery to correct an issue that kept me from working out for almost 5 years.  I was able to maintain a healthy weight, however, there is no way I could be described as physically active....I also really loved nachos...so there's also that.

My decision to join this particular gym actually happened because I used to be a member back when it was a normal gym (see description of normal above). After a setback or two with my health, I had to go on such a limited activity schedule that I basically went from normal sized to this:

Nachos. I need them.

 Needless to say it wasn't a good look and I kept getting cheese all over my second chin.  I had surgery, lost all that excess weight (ohmygod so much weight), and now I'm back to normal pre-surgery size.

After getting the go-ahead from Dr. Miracle-Worker, I went back to the "normal, awesome gym for normal people" and I couldn't believe it...staring me right in the face when I walked in was the stupidly lovable governator of California, Arnold Schwarznegger!!!!!  (Technically, it was a cardboard cut out from Pumping Iron, but you get the point.)  The gym is using that movie to market their "specialty" and within 7 minutes, this is what I learned:

People can actually do this

And I look like this